I have been institutionalised

Time has dissapeared without my knowledge or consent and I shall not attempt a retrospective roundup of what has been or what I have become because neither have much interest or value to them. To summarise though my life- personal, political, private and public has taken a turn. My age is no longer tied down to the number of years that I have existed for, I have responsibilities that, only 9 months ago, were not even close to my imagination.

Without being too downbeat about all of this blog malarky, or simply being innacurate, I don't expect anyone to ever read this except maybe me, just like I have done in the last few minutes- it amused and entertained me to look back on my thoughts about things metamorphise over the last few years and I want that to continue. I want to feel my cheeks burn red as I sit in a room by myself as I face my own naivety and for that reason I shall try and bring some more of me into to this, because afterall I am a thrilling person. Proof of that can be found in my mental lifestyle: I work until well past dark, most days. I wake up early for meetings. I eat the same packaged sandwhich about 4 days a week. There is a distinct possibility that I have fallen in love with my bike.

But why do I fight?

I want to say this ' I fight because I feel, no I know, that I will make a difference to those who are less fortunate than me. I will stand up for those who are weak, make rich those who are poor and defend our planet for future generations'.

But why do I fight?

I fight because without the fight I am one of many. I fight because I am well-off, I am middle-class and I need to feel needed. I genuinely do fight because injustice, like nothing else, makes me fucking angry, and that is enough.

And what am I fighting?

Bureacracy mostly and laziness and apathy and my own habits that give no example at all to those who I spend my life preaching to. I fight my friends who believe that sexism is natural or who think that the free market will fix our problems. I fight myself when, at the end of the day I want to curl up and cry rather than face the next day answering emails or justifying myself in an increasingly ill informed and close minded world. I fight those who think that there is a 'time and place for protests' and that time and place is far away from anyone who can hear. I fight those who think they can't make a difference or who have tried and failed. I fight my mind when it wants to miss the next meeting and ring my girlfriend and talk idly about this and that. I fight the urge to get drunk and dance when I have to go to a lecture.

I have been institutionalised.